Sunday, 5 June 2016

Once more unto the doctor

Hey ho, guess who's back? None other than the infamous Doctor LCM of the even more infamous BADASS* clinic.

After more than a year's sabbatical, the piles of pleading letters could no longer be ignored. It was time to deal with the clamouring requests and select a choice patient whose dilemma needed attention tout suite.

The lucky individual to benefit from the Doctor's words of wisdom in this edition is desperate. And when we say desperate, we mean just that, in every sense of the word.

So without further ado, let's get going.

"Dear Doctor LCM,

For many days weeks months now I have been trying to find meaning in my life. I get up, have breakfast, shower, dress, sit at my desk, look at my computer and... wait. 

That's it. 

No matter how hard I stare at the screen, or how many fingers I cross, or how many lucky omens I seek out, nothing is forthcoming. It would seem that the world turns and I am at a standstill.
All the 'How To' manuals, the TV programmes, the self-help courses and so forth have come to nothing. So many promises of what or where I should be at this point of my life have failed categorically to eventuate. 

Surely I am due a revelation of some sort to guide me on a path of enlightenment?

Please help. I am very disheartened and confused.

Fond regards,

Doctor LCM replies:


Unless you have been living in a cave of late, there is a referendum in little over a couple of weeks' time which will determine whether the UK stays in Europe or not. As I see it, you have a few options to find, as you so aptly put it, 'meaning in your life':

  1. sign up to the 'Leave' campaign - that way you will find yourself in the esteemed company of Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin,  Rupert Murdoch et al which in itself should give you plenty to worry about (e.g. slight racism) other than your own persona;
  2. sign up to the 'Stay' campaign - that way you will find yourself in the esteemed company of David Cameron, George Osbourne and 'friends' (read: the entire political spectrum of the world on both sides regardless of past history or disagreements) and be able to focus on learning how to talk to the general public as if everyone were a moron given they did not attend Eton or the like;
  3. migrate

I also hear the clergy are recruiting as current numbers are low. Am sure they would welcome you with open arms. Possibly more given recent trends. Plenty of 'meaning' there, my dear fellow.

The choice, as they say, is yours.

You're welcome,


If you too have a pressing business or personal matter that you would like answered or on which to receive similar valuable advice, please submit to the Doctor and wait patiently in line.

*Business Advisory and Select Services


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