Sunday, 15 February 2015

Things I have learnt over the past week


  • nothing ever comes in half measures: work, rugby, governorship, meetings...
  • except training which falls slightly by the wayside
  • or gets relegated to the bottom of the priority list
  • there are only so many iterations of the same document you can read in one sitting before your eyes glaze over
  • about seventeen
  • maybe eighteen
  • FB is a very bad distraction when you should be writing
  • especially when friends post random photos
  • that always get about one hundred and thirty plus 'likes'
  • which make me wonder what their friends are actually doing with their time
  • probably stalking
  • shopping for groceries never gets any sexier
  • even if you prance around a supermarket still in your training kit
  • because FB distracted you again when you should have had a shower
  • doing just your own laundry is a positive option
  • and is much more satisfying
  • and takes a fraction of the time
  • however the message about the Laundry Fairy being on permanent strike takes longer to filter through to the rest of the family
  • about four weeks
  • better late than never
  • writing client proposals when the offspring are in the house is not productive
  • yet watching silly videos with them on YouTube is very entertaining
  • but still not a good use of valuable time
  • taking time out on weekends is the best way to distract yourself
  • long bike rides in particular
  • although lots of hills and lack of feeding stations can lead to more swearing than usual

it's a long way to the finish, with no food in sight
unless you like foliage



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Sunday, 8 February 2015

LCM's CBB (celebrity bashing bunfight)

Four years ago I wrote this. It still holds water. My opinions have not changed (funny that).

However, I am increasingly annoyed with respected online newspapers being hijacked by stupid stories that serve no purpose other than to make you a) click on the link just to see what the fuss is all about, or b) waste time reading total tat. I guess that's the point though, right?

So I thought I would add an updated 2015 version of 'Celebrity Bashing' to my earlier list. Do feel free to join in and post your own, the more the merrier.

Here we go.

My top five celebrities I would happily slap around the head with a damp wetsuit, part deux.

In fifth position: Ed Miliband.
(Yes, yes, I know he's a politician, but it's my list and my rules)

There is one reason I am leader of the Labour party,
and it is uhmm, err... damn, what was it?

Because, just, zzzzzzzz. And now that a former PM has stated that he "will do what it takes" to help him win the general election, well, what more can I add? Aside from thinking that David Cameron must be jumping around his kitchen shouting hallelujah and thanking his own lucky stars. Talk about a 'gift from heaven'... Oh, yes. And the Wallace likeness. Hmmm.


peas in a pod

In fourth place: Katie Hopkins.

Never heard of me? Really? Lucky break!

In all honesty I have no idea what she is saying - aside from it being rather a lot, most of it obnoxious or offensive to someone - as I only ever came across her in series three of The Apprentice. Possibly her one redeeming feature (which I discovered whilst researching this incredibly well thought-out and highly intellectual blog post) has been calling that piece of vapourware that occupies third place, "A nobody with a pair of tits." Talk about stating the obvious.
But she otherwise clogs up the airwaves (read: serious news) and that in itself deserves a place on the podium of shame.


At number three: Katie Price.

A pink unicorn. Because that's
what I want to be when I grow up

Honestly? Still here? How tedious to have to live your entire life yo-yo-ing between the tabloids with tales of sex, plastic surgery, foul-mouthed tirades, more sex, more plastic surgery, absurd names for offspring, feuds with ex husbands, ex boyfriends, ex friends, ex anything.... ex-hausting. Can someone please adopt her and dispatch her mind-numbing fakeness to, oh, I don't know, Siberia? One way ticket please, thank you.

Runner up: Kim Kardashian.

Waaaah! They said I was too stupid to have a Twitter account

In a nutshell, I just don't 'get it'. Or maybe I just live in a parallel universe and fail to appreciate the intrinsic value of someone who thinks posing naked, doused in baby oil, in an effort to 'break the internet' is akin to finding a cure for ebola or ending the crisis in Syria. Hah! Silly me.

And in first place: Russell Brand.

nothing of note to say

Total twat. No more to add. Aside possibly from three words: waste of space.


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Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Return of the doctor

(c) Schultz
After a lengthy break - too much work people, too much work - the esteemed Doctor LCM is back once more to deal with the needy, the downtrodden, the confused and the downright pain-in-the-arse individuals requiring helpful and insightful advice to deal with their mundane first-world problems.

Yes, the BADASS clinic is once more up and running.

Without further ado, let's get down to business and negotiate this week's conundrum from a troubled reader.

"Dear Doctor LCM,

I am a really good headhunter (because my mum says so) and I love my job. I like to talk to people and make them smile. If they are really nice I can sometimes find them work. This is so much fun!

Recently I met a very scary candidate. She was old enough to be my gran. Well, older than my mum, that's for sure. Anyway, I was really nervous about interviewing her as she knew more than I did about business and the world and work and like, well, it was quite scary so I just smiled a lot and I think I talked too much. 
I thought she had some cracking skills and when I said that to her she looked at me really strangely, like she wanted to hit me or something. When she asked me what would happen next I told her that it was definitely not a 'no' and she looked at me even worse and I thought she was going to go mental or start screaming but she didn't LOL.

She has now emailed me twice to ask what is happening and what are the next steps. I'm not sure what she means or how to reply. What do you think I should do?

Lots of love,
Rupert xx"


Doctor LCM replies:

"Dear Rupert

Seriously? How old are you? Twelve?

Get a grip man. This woman should be your new MD. I cannot believe you are interviewing her. It should be the other way round, although the options for your own career then would be either a) paper boy, or b) fired.

Afraid you do not stand a chance with such talent until you mature by, say, about thirty years. Facts, dear boy, facts. They come with maturity which sadly you appear to be lacking.

Suggest you finish your work experience before taking on such challenges again. Call the woman back and ask if she will be your mentor. Trust me, it's your best bet.

You're welcome,

Dr LCM"


If you too have a pressing business-related matter that you would like answered or on which to receive valuable advice, please submit to the Doctor and wait patiently in line.

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