Friday, 17 January 2014

Kevin's nipples

Kevin is now fourteen.

As with most petulant teenagers, there has been a rebellion in our midst (or a revelation, take your pick) and we have made an executive decision to invite some new members to join our ranks.

Yes, you read correctly.

New. Members.

*stands back and ponders for a minute*

But.

How to vet them for suitability, given our very exacting standards and high demands?

We parked discussion about the two recently read books (this and this, in case you doubted us) and ventured on a more cerebral journey: a multiple-choice questionnaire for prospective Kevinettes.

It went through various iterations, frequently interrupted by loud bouts of laughter - fortunately after so many years all our neighbours are used to us and now refrain from banging on the walls - and has ended up looking something like this:

Q1. What is the quality of your nibbles?
a) edible
b) whatever is in the cupboard
c) organically sourced, finest grade delectable bites served by a young, toned and buff waiter wearing budgie smugglers
d) nibbles?

Q2. How do you greet your guests?
a) by opening the door
b) with a shriek as you realise you were supposed to be hosting the evening
c) offering a glass of champagne and a full bottle each to keep them sustained for the duration
d) they can let themselves in

Q3. How would your present your appetisers?
a) Coon on a stick
b) Coon on a plate
c) exotically laid out on the torso of the aforementioned young, toned and buff waiter wearing budgie smugglers
d) appetisers?

Q4. Do you offer your fellow Kevinettes:
a) takeaway pizza
b) takeaway curry
c) a lovingly made meat/vegetarian/vegan/gluten-free/lactose-free buffet selection served on the finest china and accompanied by steamed vegetables and wholesome nutritious green salad and wheat-free bread
d) good grief, what's wrong with tea and biscuits?

Q5. If you fail to read a selected book, do you:
a) read a review and 'fake it'
b) read a review and thank the gods you didn't spend money on that shite
c) stay up all night and endeavour to plough through the 450-page tome to prove your worthiness and devotion to the cause
d) talk about the weather

Q6. At book club meetings, do you expect to:
a) discuss books
b) eat and drink well
c) laugh a lot
d) all the above

Of course, you could always just stumble on the first question and misinterpret 'nibbles' for 'nipples'. It has been done before, after all.

Anyway, two invitations have been issued. The questionnaire will be forwarded. Results will be collated and shared amongst the Kevinettes for due processing, review and feedback.

We shall see if the newbies are then game enough to show up.

Actually, that alone is worthy of being accepted, especially if they come back again.

(c) Scott Adams


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