Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Business Tweet Management - an alternative installment

Since the last edition it has been busy, busy, busy on the work front.
The sarcasm has not abated, but it has been kept in check.

Hence an alternative Business Tweet Management edition, one that sets the scene, offers the sanitised reply administered, and the actual thoughts that crossed my mind (and sometimes escaped via Twitter).

Still with me? Good.

Scene: face-to-face meeting with salesperson, listening patiently while they list the various 'extra' tasks they have taken on recently, the time it takes for them to deal with everything, the difficulty in managing multiple items, constant pressures of balancing work priorities, ramble, ramble, whinge, whinge... and how their three per cent pay rise is, in effect, 'insulting' and they are, in their eyes, 'worse off'.

Sanitised reply: "I understand your point and sympathise, strict guidelines had to be adhered to, however I will see what can be done."

Actual thoughts: Walk a mile in my shoes, mate. And shut the f*ck up.

Scene: email exchange with sales leader who believes recent communication about team changes - made after lengthy consultation with all interested parties - was not clear enough and needs to be 'clarified further'.

Sanitised reply: "Please do so if you believe this would be of further benefit."

Actual thoughts: "Seriously? Do you really have nothing else to do?"

Scene: reviewing, assessing, structuring and communicating sales commission structures to particular team leader who then replies (via email, how else?) that whilst they appreciated how well they had done during the previous year, and the decisions made that had worked in their favour, they were disappointed with the new proposal as they might 'lose out' because business this year will be difficult.

Sanitised reply: "I understand your concerns and will raise them further to see if any concessions can be made."

Actual thoughts: "Something tells me that if there were a commission for complaining, you would be in for a windfall."

Scene: discussion with sales leader about career path options and their view that they deserve to be considered for senior role because... well, just because... I lost interest in pursuing this conversation any further after they categorically failed to get their point across.

Sanitised reply: "Why don't you discuss this with the current MD and get their input and guidance as well?"

Actual thoughts: "Jesus wept. Where's the emergency exit?"

Too harsh? Possibly. But at least I get the job done and don't just talk about it. (And thank you Twitter!)


Sunday, 13 January 2013

Posh Kevin

It was bound to happen sooner or later. A diversion from the usual, a foray into the unknown, a risky challenge to the status quo and wine quaffing food troughing serious book chatter that is synonymous with the Kevinettes.

Yes, dear reader. We have come over all grown up in the year 2013.

'Twas our lovely Belfast Blonde who has coerced us to this stage. After we had supped her delicious meal and drunk her Spanish Rioja and were suitably relaxed that the ever-increasing volume of our various conversations was about to succumb to lip-reading, she announced that she had "made a decision".

We all suddenly sat up and paid attention. You never know with Belfast Blonde, and it is always worth the wait. A bit like a new pair of shoes, but without the nagging conscience about the cost.
Was it something to do with the new man in her life?
Was it about her forthcoming exotic trip to Burma?
Did it have anything to do with her new bathroom (very snazzy, we all tried it out) with the swish fittings?
Had she signed us up to attend a proper literary festival?

Not at all.

We would - she announced, wine glass in hand, looking at us all very, very seriously - be reading a book of poetry for our next meeting!

And do you know what? Not one of us scoffed at her, nobody tut-tutted, and everyone applauded her choice. I even refrained from asking how thick the book in question was (answer: thin).

So, get us. Aren't we just the business now?
*blows fingertips, polishes nails*

Although I seem to recall something being mooted about selecting our favourite, reading it out loud, and doing a PowerPoint presentation.

Hopefully that was just the wine playing tricks on my memory.


Thursday, 3 January 2013

Sorry, you were saying...?

In French that would be, "Excusez-moi, vous disiez quoi...?"
And no, I did not use Google translate (except for the spelling), because I have been speaking French almost non-stop for a week. I feel very proud of myself, especially because I was able to laugh along with anecdotes and even try a few jokes of my own. Although they might have been laughing at me, not with me, come to think of it. Never mind.

Anyway, it was one lovely week away when the rest of the country was going through its annual apocalyptic food frenzy and frantic gift wrapping session that is otherwise known as 'the festive period'. Mayhem. Carnage. And a lot of sore heads and bursting waistlines.

Yes, escape beckoned. And a bloody good one it was too, highly recommended. Change of scenery, some sunshine (remember that?) and even a touch of warm weather (also an unknown quantity in Blighty since, oh, about 2003?). They even did the whole celebration thing for the benefit of the children and quite a few of the adults as well, so noone could claim they were missing out.

Bon, alors. So whilst all this (tout ça) was going on, I got distracted by quelques petites choses (a few things)... as you do.

Like this.

Sacre bleu! Des grand ballons!
And this.

Did you see les grand ballons?
I ate mine. And plus encore. Et toi?

I was also très amusé by les traductions. Especially those relating to la fée du linge duties (that's the Laundry Fairy to you lot).

Clothe? Quoi? 

And it should actually say 'insert the token with vigour and donner à la machine un bon coup de pied'. 
Because otherwise your seven year-old will just look at you dolefully and rouleur les yeux and say "Mon Dieu maman! C'est le meilleur que tu peux faire?" (loosely translated as "Is that your lot?")

Clothe? Encore?
And qu'est que c'est le 'ironer'?

Finally, this little gem. Because, quite frankly, the English version sounds like something akin to le panda bear who infamously 'Eats, shoots and leaves'. Or should that be 'Mange, chasse et quitte'?

Vive la vacance et heureux 2013!


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