Friday, 23 March 2012

Ten reasons why I have not blogged much recently

  1. Have been held to ransom by OH and asked that I refrain from "writing about anything work-related". 
  2. Am spending valuable blogging time traveling to/from new work abode and cannot write whilst driving a car.
  3. Thought about dictating thoughts whilst driving but am yet to figure out how to get phone to cooperate without dialing emergency services.
  4. Did actually call emergency services but that was to report some idiot in the central reservation trying to cross the M4 motorway westbound in peak hour traffic.
  5. Any spare time has been spent sorting out logistics for U7s minis rugby festival teams and responding to one particular parent's idiotic queries and comments
  6. I have a PA who is so thoughtful that she has actually booked a lunch hour in my calendar to ensure I get a break from meetings, reviews, strategy planning, calls, etc, and have something to eat. 
  7. Said lunch hour usually consists of:
  • 20 minutes responding to personal emails
  • 15 minutes sorting out online grocery shopping
  • 5 minutes trying to remember what it was I thought about during my drive to work but could not write down or dictate to temperamental non-collaborative phone doubling as a recorder
  • 15 minutes being interrupted by random people popping by my office
  • 5 minutes doing mad dash to cafĂ© to grab something to eat
    8. Am avoiding my well-meaning training schedule under the misguided impression that our first race of the season is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaages away.
    9. It isn't. 

Did I say ten? I must have been mistaken. Let me check my notes, they're here somewhere...



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Saturday, 17 March 2012

Business Tweet Management - the second installment

After the uproarious success of the inaugural edition, I have survived my mother's disapproval about excessive swearing (although I made my father laugh) and collated some further material for your entertainment. Summarised in one hundred and forty characters or less, of course.

So, without further ado, here we go.

Typical verbal mouthful (TVM) - "Our ability to leverage off our wider network of contacts in the industry and their peers means that we have the best information at our fingertips which in turn can be used to assess whether your business processes are in tune with the marketplace and your company is applying best practices that are geared to streamlining and maximising opportunities."
Business tweet management (BTM) - "I have no idea what I am talking about, so I'll just baffle you with bullshit."

TVM - "The question remains as to whether we should be aligning our sales operations with the US modus operandi, yet retaining the flexibility to tweak these to suit the European model, despite the fact that our recent track record has shown that the two marketplaces are distinctly separate in their individual approach regarding both customer requirements and product adaptation."
BTM - "Sales are down, you lazy bastards. Pull your fingers out."

TVM - "The pipeline forecast looks strong and I have reason to believe that our upside is likely to be realised this quarter, meaning that we will be on target to hit planned revenues without having to resort to drawing down on reserves set aside from the operating expenditure cuts that came in to force last month."
BTM - "If we don't make our numbers, I'm fucked. As are you lot shortly after."

TVM - "Contractually we are obliged to acknowledge that our position is not fully hedged against risks in fluctuating demands from the client, and as such there will be knock-on effects on capital expenditure exposure where we may be asked to invest in technical support that has not been foreseen in the original implementation specification and program management."
BTM - "Whoops. We screwed up."

TVM - "Team, you have done a fantastic job in transforming our vision in to a reality and the results bear testament to this and allow us now to focus on the road ahead and delivering true value to our customers and showing the rest of our company how we can achieve the highest levels of innovation and client satisfaction by pulling together as one."
BTM - "Yay! More money for me whilst you suckers keep slogging away."

Until the next instalment.

(c) Scott Adams









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Friday, 2 March 2012

Kevin and OH

Actually, this post should more be more aptly entitled "Why OH* will never be invited to join Kevin."
Or even better, "How many times can you eat pasta in one week without exploding from carb overload?"

So the Kevinettes reconvened again. Almost a full house with the hungry mob turning up chez LCM in quick succession and devouring every edible appetiser within arm's reach. An awesome sight, six hungry women hovering over crisps, carrot batons, dips and wasabi peas. We know how to live it up, we do.

Anyway, in the lead up to the regular get-together, I not only sent a calendar note to OH to remind him of the date (Tuesday) so he could not claim, as is his wont, that I "never told him", I also notified him (four times) that I would be serving pasta and salad to my learned lady book club friends.

On Monday, OH cooked dinner.

Pasta and salad.

The Kevinettes came - and ate (pasta and salad) and drank - and discussed the book, and dispersed until the next meeting.

And OH cooked dinner again on Friday.

Pasta (no salad, must have been a memory lapse somewhere).

"Three times in one week?" I queried, when sitting down to dinner.
"Italians eat pasta every night!" he countered.
"We are not in Italy," I replied. "And you are Welsh."

Although considering the alternative - given his Celtic roots - it could have been worse.

Potatoes. Every night.

Oh, hang on. That's what is usually on the menu.

* That's OH as in Other Half. Not as 'OH!' in surprise. Although the two do often go hand in hand.



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