Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Business Tweet Management - the third instalment

It's been a while and I have been intending to post the latest instalment of this theme for some time. Unfortunately, other matters have got in the way, namely work. And a few races. Which however is a good thing as - guess what - it provides additional fodder. Oh, and an income (the former, not the latter alas), but that's by the by.

So without further ado, let's crack on, shall we?

Typical Verbal Mouthful (TVM) - "We are asking a number of you to participate in a round-table event to assess the viability of our strategic plans vis-รก-vis the current marketplace, how our products address the issues our clients are likely to face in the foreseeable future and if our roadmap dovetails with the perceived notion that we are the provider of choice in our market."
Business Tweet Management (BTM) - "We have just spent a fortune on developing something that is a pile of shite, but want you to tell us it is genius. Or you will be fired."

TVM - "All of you who are standing around with your arms crossed are indicating a degree of nervousness, from which I can deduct that this is your first time taking part in an open water swim. Turn to your right and pat the nearest person on the back and wish them good luck. Now turn to your left, give this person a hug and tell them it will be fine and to enjoy the race. Now make sure you can actually rotate your arms comfortably in your wetsuit and that you have a pair of goggles on your head before you enter the water."
BTM - "We have you by the short and curlies and it is too late to start worrying about lack of training at this late stage, suckers!"

TVM - "Considering the potential upside in the forecast and the opportunities in the pipeline that may - or may not - come good this month, we should be in a position to deflect any queries about our revenue stream for this financial year and ensure that the baseline for planning for the next one is aligned with expectations and not overinflated to a level which would have us targeting significant shortfall as a starting point before the first quarter is even under way."
BTM - "Okay guys, game's up. Our finances are going down the toilet. Who do I blame?"

TVM - "Competitors should ensure they remain hydrated at all times. Drinking before you commence your race is advisable, although you should not exceed recommended allowances. Keep a bottle with you throughout the bike section as drink stations are not present. Topping up before and during your run will also help, and there will be drink stations over the course. Practising taking on liquid whilst in motion can be a time saver and keeping hydrated will aide your recovery as well."
BTM - "This is NOT about beer."

TVM - "Look, what I wanted first of all was to reiterate the apology I made last week after the incident on Wednesday night in Downing Street, it had been a long and extremely frustrating day - not that that is any excuse at all for what happened - and I did not show the police the amount of respect I should have done, we should all respect the police, they do an incredibly difficult job, I have apologised to the police, I have apologised to the police officer involved on the gate and he has accepted my apology, and I hope very much we can draw a line under it there. I am very clear about what I said and what I didn't say, and I want to make it absolutely clear that I did not use the words that have been attributed to me. I am now going to go in and get on with my work."
BTM - "Out of my way, you fucking pleb."

(You will probably only understand this if you are British)


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