Monday, 25 June 2012

The doctor will see you now

(c) Charles Schultz
After much cajoling, I have agreed to provide professional business advice and guidance to a select audience who have been persistently knocking at my office door over the past month. *

These shall henceforth be known as the all-new incisive Doctor LCM's 'Business Advisory and Select Services' (BADASS) consulting sessions, free to any individual or company wishing to partake in my pearls of wisdom and many years of experience in the tough and unforgiving world of corporate enterprise.


The terms and conditions are very straightforward:
  1. willing 'patients' submit me with a (preferably specific) business-related question
  2. I provide them with a concise and insightful answer
  3. said answer may be informative, or helpful, or useless
  4. or all of the above
  5. or none of them
  6. it will, undoubtedly, contain healthy doses of sarcasm cynicism realism
  7. there is no recourse for dissatisfied patients (although alternative, more serious and professional help may be recommended)
  8. Doctor LCM's word is final (if in doubt, see point 7 above)

Let's get started, shall we?

Today's chosen submission comes from Mike (not his real name). He has written in the following:

"Dear Doctor LCM,

My boss does not understand me. He fails to appreciate the time and effort I put in to my work and achieving the goals that have been set for me. He seems to think I am an idiot and treats me as such. No respect, no acknowledgement, no recognition. It is desperately upsetting and I am losing sleep at night over it.
What should I do to get his attention and, more importantly, some words of encouragement? My bonus depends on it. I feel like throwing the towel in, to be honest.

Yours sincerely,
Very Depressed Mike"

Doctor LCM replies:

"Dear Mike

Let me ask you a simple question: do you expect a reward for achieving your targets? Yes? Sorry, I can't hear you.

(note: LCM has occasional 'senior' moments and tends to forget this is a written response and not a live conversation)

Anyway, let's be clear here. Achieving your 'goals' is part of your job remit. Trust me on this. Your complaint is akin to being rewarded with a gold star for walking in to the office every morning at 9am. Bravo! Well done! Are you seeking brownie points too?

As for words of encouragement, I can only imagine you are still in the same vein of thinking: being patted on the back for keeping your chair warm during the day and not exceeding four cups of coffee? 


Let's get serious here Mike. Work is hard. The golden rule is 'shape up or ship out'. If your boss is not heaping praise on you I can only surmise it is for one of two reasons:
1. you are and idiot, or;
2. you are about to be sacked.

My advice? Get a grip. Wake up and smell the roses mate. A career elsewhere beckons. Have you thought about being a space waitress? That way at least if the passengers (or the captain and co-pilots) are rude and disrespectful, you can spit in their tea without their knowledge and not have to feign smiling at them when they disembark.

You're welcome,


If you too have a pressing business-related matter that you would like answered or on which to receive valuable advice, please submit to the Doctor and wait patiently in line.

* that might be a slight exaggeration, although my current office does seem to operate a revolving door policy at present with a regular stream of visitors seeking my time, so much so that my PA has to block time off in my diary so I can get to the loo


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