Saturday, 17 March 2012

Business Tweet Management - the second installment

After the uproarious success of the inaugural edition, I have survived my mother's disapproval about excessive swearing (although I made my father laugh) and collated some further material for your entertainment. Summarised in one hundred and forty characters or less, of course.

So, without further ado, here we go.

Typical verbal mouthful (TVM) - "Our ability to leverage off our wider network of contacts in the industry and their peers means that we have the best information at our fingertips which in turn can be used to assess whether your business processes are in tune with the marketplace and your company is applying best practices that are geared to streamlining and maximising opportunities."
Business tweet management (BTM) - "I have no idea what I am talking about, so I'll just baffle you with bullshit."

TVM - "The question remains as to whether we should be aligning our sales operations with the US modus operandi, yet retaining the flexibility to tweak these to suit the European model, despite the fact that our recent track record has shown that the two marketplaces are distinctly separate in their individual approach regarding both customer requirements and product adaptation."
BTM - "Sales are down, you lazy bastards. Pull your fingers out."

TVM - "The pipeline forecast looks strong and I have reason to believe that our upside is likely to be realised this quarter, meaning that we will be on target to hit planned revenues without having to resort to drawing down on reserves set aside from the operating expenditure cuts that came in to force last month."
BTM - "If we don't make our numbers, I'm fucked. As are you lot shortly after."

TVM - "Contractually we are obliged to acknowledge that our position is not fully hedged against risks in fluctuating demands from the client, and as such there will be knock-on effects on capital expenditure exposure where we may be asked to invest in technical support that has not been foreseen in the original implementation specification and program management."
BTM - "Whoops. We screwed up."

TVM - "Team, you have done a fantastic job in transforming our vision in to a reality and the results bear testament to this and allow us now to focus on the road ahead and delivering true value to our customers and showing the rest of our company how we can achieve the highest levels of innovation and client satisfaction by pulling together as one."
BTM - "Yay! More money for me whilst you suckers keep slogging away."

Until the next instalment.

(c) Scott Adams


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