Thursday, 28 April 2011

Kevin's contagious case of senility

It would seem that the older we get, the more absent-minded we become. Or, in the case of Kevin, the more our memories appear to fail us the longer we continue to meet up and eat and drink our host's larder dry.

Except not even an excess of wine can be blamed this time round as the evening had barely got under way when the following exchange took place. The most worrying fact is that this is not a rare occurrence any more.

LCM - "So who managed to read both books?"

Aussie Solicitor puts her hand up proudly. And then lowers it quickly when the rest of the Kevinettes start to mutter under their breath various comments about some people being smarty-pants and the like.

Doctor of Psychology - "I read the Trinidad one, but avoided the other one as it sounded too depressing on the cover note."

Yes, we judge books by their covers. Cerebral stuff.

Belfast Blonde - "Oh. I read it. It was..."
LCM - "Depressing?"
Belfast Blonde - "Yes."

So we move on to discussing the more appealing of the two books, but are wary of ruining the plot for Belfast Blonde who has not yet read it.

Lovely Radiographer - "I was quite shocked by the event in the middle of the book, I really did not expect that."
Aussie Solicitor - "What event?"
Doctor of Psychology - "You know, the one which is unexpected?"
Aussie Solicitor looks blankly at us.
Botanical Artist - "The one after the other thing that happens that involves the husband."
Blank stare.
Lovely Radiographer - "The one where she does something to someone after something happens to her husband."
Still nothing.
LCM - "Aussie Solicitor, you did read the book, didn't you? How long ago?"
Aussie Solicitor - "Two weeks?"

We wonder if she is pulling our legs. She isn't.

Botanical Artist - "Did you read the same book as us?"

Turns out she did, plus she has been to Trinidad (for work) and hence was even able to enlighten us all as to the actual status quo of the island, its past history and current events.

But the 'event' in the book? Total blank.

Eventually our host - the Lovely Radiographer (who had dispatched her husband to Macclesfield this time round so he would not complain again about us scoffing all the food and leaving him nowt to eat, as per previous occasions) - intervened.

"Oh FFS," she blurted, "The woman's husband dies and she takes a gun and goes to the local police station and shoots the fat copper!"

So, was Belfast Blonde concerned about the revelation that gave away the story? Not at all. One less book for her to read. More time to devote to drinking and eating. And talking. And laughing.

At the rate we're going, we'll all be forgetting what we are supposed to be reading for Kevin's next rendezvous. Just as well I noted it in the side panel to the right.

I think.

I might have to check with the others. Now what were their names... *wanders off*


Thursday, 21 April 2011

Further random conversations with my training partner(s)

Returning from a long early-morning Sunday cycle ride.
LCM - "So what does your fancy schmancy new high-tech watch tell us then?"
BB - "We cycled 32km, I burnt 1744 calories, average heart rate of 154 bpm, average cadence of 87..." (continues to rattle off random figures as LCM's eyes start to glaze over)
LCM - "What time is it?"
BB - "No idea, I don't know how to find that on this thing."
LCM (looks at own watch) - "It's 9.22."

BB - "What is it with your photo on your LinkedIn profile?"
LCM - "Why? What's wrong with it? I'll have you know that is my official photo which is on my work pass."
BB - "Your hair looks all wonky."
LCM - "More than usual, you mean? I thought I looked serious and business-like."
BB - "You look like you have a halo."
LCM - "Oh."

Via combination of emails and text messages.
BB - Let's enter this triathlon! It'll be fun!
LCM - Fun? You always say that, and then look what happens. I have a better idea. How about we do a relay entry - you, me and the Wine Writer?
BB - Excellent! I'll do the swim. What will you do? The bike ride or the run?
LCM - No, no, no. You swim, you cycle, you run. WW and I will provide the cheer-leading contingent. We can take it in turns to shake the pom-poms.
BB - (silence)

WW - Are you wearing a wetsuit for the Windsor Triathlon? Do you have any advice?
LCM - Wetsuit is compulsory, given water temperature. BB and I are having an open water coaching session at Datchet reservoir in early May at 6.30am. Do you want to join us?
WW and BB - Does it have to be that early?
LCM - Yes. I don't want anyone to see us.

On cycle ride.
LCM - "That was Pro Athlete* that just overtook us on her bike!"
BB - "Nah, it wasn't. Pro Athlete is much bigger and bulkier and has shorter hair."
LCM - "I'm sure it was her. I recognise her from behind. Years of experience in a rowing boat and never seeing people's faces."
BB - "Definitely not her."
Thirty seconds later as we pass the same person now stationary by the side of the road with her training team.
BB (yelling and waving) - "Hi there Pro Athlete!"
LCM - "Did she recognise you?"
BB - "Uhmmm... No."

* occasional triathlon coach who tries valiantly to put us through our paces

Email to LCM and BB.
WW - Just to let you know I completed 74 lengths of front crawl on Friday. Obviously I was stopping every 4 to have a quick gasp. But am making progress... Still think I might drown at Windsor, but there you go.
BB - You didn't say what length the pool is. Or was it a bath tub?
WW - Damn. How did you guess? Thought I had got away with it.
LCM - Change of plan: WW you are doing the swim, the cycle and the run in the triathlon relay entry. BB and I will be cheering on the side line, caipirinhas to hand.


Sunday, 17 April 2011

The Q & A session

There's this bloke up north, goes by the name of Garry, writes a pretty mean blog and makes me laugh. More to the point, his is a male voice amidst the (mainly female) bloggers. My other all-time favourite of course being Steve.
Anyway. Young Garry has tagged me. Not just any old meme, but a proper one based on The Guardian's Life & Style Q&A.

Actually I lie: he sent out a tweet asking for volunteers and I put my hand up. I am a cheap date.

I may have been drinking, but either way I was tweeting when I should have been minding the kids whilst on a short break on the Isle of Wight. By the way, apologies to the nice lady who ended up with three extra kids on her watch as I indulged my twitter withdrawal symptoms.

Right. Enough of the procrastination, let's get down to the hard graft of answering questions.

Which living person do you most admire, and why? Brazilian Babe. Anyone who puts up with my antics, allows me to enter her in races without her permission (or knowledge), can hold a coherent conversation during training sessions, AND is my conscience when my opinionated views take flight - which is pretty frequent - merits top spot in my books. 

Plus I am hoping that by nominating her she might actually let me beat her next time we race together.
When were you happiest? This morning, when I woke up and all my faculties were still intact.
What was your most embarrassing moment? Which one? How about driving up Richmond Hill too close to parked vehicles, taking the wing mirror off OH's car, returning home and totally omitting to tell him? Only for it to be fixed and for me to repeat the whole saga a mere month later? 
Aside from property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought? That I've bought? Probably the go-cart that doubles as a car that OH 'bought' and then told me I was 'going halves' in? Needless to say, I have been far more careful with my 'touch driving' in this vehicle (see above).
What is your most treasured possession? I would have said my wetsuit, but I have been reminded that it is actually not mine, it belongs to Geordie Girlfriend. So, that noted, I will say, uhmm... my vintage swimming cap. It had such an effect on another blogger last year when she came to visit, she even made me a badge.

This is not me, btw.
I don't wear red lippy in the pool
Where would you like to live? Buck Palace would be nice but the heating bills I imagine would be astronomical. Plus there are those pesky corgis always under your feet. Mind you, they would make a nifty pair of slippers.

Hamish: Smile Prudence, that LCM is putting us on her blog
Prudence: Oooh, oooh, so exciting, I might just leave a puddle behind

Hamish: I think I liked her better before we were stuffed
Prudence: Is that what this is?

What’s your favourite smell? Clean training kit.
Who would play you in the film of your life? Toni Collette. As she was in Muriel's Wedding. And with the same soundtrack.

Agnetha: OMG - it that who I think it is?
Frida: Don't be daft, it's only that dippy bird LCM

Failing that, Pippi Longstocking.

Many similarities. Especially the monkey on the shoulder.

What is your favourite book? Anything that does not contain antics by Chip, Biff and Kipper. I am on round three now and cannot wait for it to be over. Thank heavens for Kevin.
What is your most unappealing habit? Lack of volume control when yelling at talking firmly to the children.
What would be your fancy dress costume of choice? Little Bo Peep. Me and all the sheep. Although my colleagues at work probably already see me trussed up as a School Mistress, complete with ruler to hand to rap over miscreants' knuckles. Order! 
What is your earliest memory? Pulling out carrots from the vegetable patch with my maternal grandfather. And then trying to stuff them back in the ground if they were too small. Clue: it did not work.
What is your guiltiest pleasure? Singing loudly whilst driving to work and kidding myself that I, too, could have been a rock star. Or a dancer. Until I remember this
What do you owe your parents? More phone calls.
To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why? The neighbour whose straggly 'plants' I mistook for weeds and pulled out when tidying up the communal garden, many years ago pre-children when we lived in Putney. Although they were pretty ropey, let's be honest. And if you really, really cared about them, you would have at least watered them. A couple of times. Even once, maybe?
What or who is the greatest love of your life? My washing machine. I am obsessed. 
What does love feel like? Like being yelled at by a coxswain during the Fours Head to 'Keep going, you're almost there," only to realise that, actually, you are half way (insert random swear words here). It does not help that you are traveling backwards and cannot actually see where you are heading.
What was the best kiss of your life? The one that hussy stole from Daniel Craig. It was mine, I tell you, mine!
Which words or phrases do you most overuse? Efficient.
And effective. I think my team at work are now keeping tabs on how often I say this in any single meeting. Also, "What part of 'No' do you not understand?".
Oh, and "So much egg on their face, they'll be wading through omlette for ages to come." Good, eh?
What is the worst job you’ve done? Changing nappies.
If you could edit your past, what would you change? Not nappies.
What is the closest you’ve come to death? See above.
What do you consider your greatest achievement? Buying a condenser dryer. Even OH has to concede I was right on this one.
When did you last cry, and why? When I tried to bake a cake and then remembered why I only do 'shop bought'. Even the dog refused to eat it.
How do you relax? Sorry? What? Possibly when the batteries run flat.
What single thing would improve the quality of your life? A laundry fairy.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you? Don't overdo the energy drinks and power shots before a race. After you have already had a coffee.

Ta-dah! Done. Now over to these lovely people. Let's see what they come up with.

Glen's Life (another bloke - yay!)
and last, but not least, Shit Mummy.

Plus one late edition (otherwise I will rue the day) All Fooked Up.

The rules? Answer the same questions, and then nominate some other bloggers. Catch!

p.s. If you've already been tagged on this one, then just keep quiet, okay? Geez...


Tuesday, 12 April 2011

The alternative birthday

Last week was my birthday. Funnily enough, it was the same date as it has been for the last *cough* twenty-seven years, but nonetheless OH managed to fail spectacularly to get me a present. Of any sort.*

I got a card. That. Was. It.

The cherubs, who seemed to realise that their father was on a slippery slope into the dog house, resorted to wrapping (in outdated company letterhead paper) some of their own things and presenting them to me:

What I have always wanted! A cheetah bookmark and a
dinosaur kaleidoscope. Perfect work accessories.

They make a great double act when upright

Down, cheetah, down! The kaleidoscope is not
a substitute sex toy!

And they sang 'Happy Birthday' to me. Complete with holding hands, looking like angels and swinging arms in time to the slightly off-key melody. Very endearing. I do believe I brushed a tear away.

Anyway, on to the office. Work waits for noone, far less someone who only has 'an extra year' to add to their CV. Nevertheless it was, all in all, a lovely day, as demonstrated by this tweet:

Which got me thinking. Maybe OH was going to surprise me when I returned home?

Hmmm. Nup.

Cue some horrified reactions by fellow bloggers near and far.

And walk out I did. Not only did I then proceed to find some items for the cherubs (summer uniforms for school, new sports socks, and trousers that are not two inches above the ankle like current ones), but I also located the perfect 'gift' for OH:

No further words needed
I have not had to use the bell once.


* He did redeem himself, albeit some four days later. I would advise other male readers not to follow suit. It is bad for your health and may be accompanied by the phrase "I have a headache" for some time.


Tuesday, 5 April 2011

What the eye sees - the London Zoo version

Most people go to the zoo and look at the animals.

I think it is safe to say I am not most people.

I looked at the clientele. Far more entertaining.

And here we go...

The wannabe pop star.

I couldn't find Kylie's matching hotpants
The lost City of London banker on his day off.

Waiting for Godot, anyone?
The Lady in Red. With matching hair.

Chris De Burgh told me to meet him here,
he said he would spot me a mile off

The sister of the Argyle tights woman. This time with better colour coordinated footwear.

Sis? Sis? You flown the nest?

The token gorilla. Honest guv'.

The woman who spent so much on her Louis Vuitton bag she had to buy child-size holdups.

It said 'large' on the box
 One local resident's reaction.

Oh lordy, lordy, lordy
And finally, the piéce de résistance. 
I give you (drum roll, please)... Kajagoogoo revisited.

Oi, you sure Limahl is 'ere?

Yeah, like, he texted me, right?
 The locals were not amused.

Disclaimer: these posts are not meant to offend, they are totally tongue-in-cheek. If you have been captured on film, congratulations, you caught my attention. If this offends you I am truly sorry. A simple email with proof of identity will see you removed tout suite. Just like that.


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