Saturday, 22 January 2011

And now for a little light 'sleb-bashing

Personally I blame Very Bored in Catalunya. Were it not for her latest post I would probably have ignored the issue altogether, but alas, no. She brought it up, egged on by some others, and hence - not wanting to be outdone by a donkey - I am adding my two-pence to the mêlée. 
And I hope you noticed that last very clever word. I am a businesswoman after all.

The subject is my top five celebrities I would happily slap around the head with a damp wetsuit.

So, at number five we have: Ant and Dec.

I may be a midget, but my (pay) packet is huge
Yes, I know they are two. I can count. But they seem to be joined at the hip and unable to 'go solo' to do anything of worth. Either that or ITV has such a dearth of alternatives that it has bound them - literally - under a single contract so if Ant goes to the toilet, Dec is forced to stand outside the door to ensure the former doesn't do a runner, leaving him destitute. And they are short. Very short.

Irritability factor: 8.5 out of 10 

At number four: Myleene (No) Klass. 

Sorry, I'm not that desperate
How shall I name the ways? How about a list? Let's see...

- TV show no. 2
- TV show no. 3
- random adverts (n.b. skanky hair prevents you from playing the piano)
- opening of an envelope

Okay, I made that last one up. 
The final straw for me was an email last year which announced I was shortlisted for an award and the judging panel consisted of three people (woo-hoo, push the boat out people, why don't you) of which one - you guessed it - was Ms Klass herself. 
I didn't win.

Irritability factor: 9 out of 10

At number three: Gordon Ramsay.

Bad case of constipation? Try a laxative 
A hyped-up, potty-mouthed, egotistical, self-centred, woman-hater (think Tracy Grimshaw and her brilliant retort), and overall sad fuck who has now apparently resorted to plastic surgery. Says it all really. 
Oh, and he is a chef, by the way. Stick to the pots and pans is my advice.

Irritability factor: 9.5 out of 10

At number two (are you excited yet?): Martine McCutcheon.

Suck it in baby, the cameras are snapping
Used to be relatively normal. And moderately successful. Until she left Eastenders (I think, I do not watch the soaps) and decided to embark on a (relatively unfulfilled) movie career.
Cue the amazing weight loss. And gain. And loss. And gain.
Cue the lack of roles and 'needs-must' take-up of advertising clips.
Oh, but she is an actress, singer and novelist. Right. So I shall hold my breath until you complete your next masterpiece? Thought not. 

Plus, I'm sorry Martine, but why would I ever need you to tell me that a certain yoghurt was going to 'love my tummy'? Fuck off, will you? And do a triathlon, that'll sort you. Tsk.

Irritability factor: 10 out of 10

And at number one. The suspense must be killing you (probably because my posts are never this long).

It is, without a doubt, the one and only intensely irritating......

Ricky Gervais.

Yes, yes, yes, very funny, ha-bloody-ha
I make no apologies. The Office may have been funny (but sorry, not a patch on Kath and Kim), Extras might have drawn in the out-of-work luvvies desperate for some air time, and he might have offended - or not - all and sundry with his hosting of various award ceremonies in recent years.


Mr Gervais. You have one fatal flaw that puts you at the very top of my list.

You are a total and utter wanker.

Irritability factor: immeasurable.


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