Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Rehashing the oldies but goodies


I was thinking - as you do - about past posts and how much has changed over the last year or so in my (working) life. 
In light of developments at the time, I had to remove some posts from the blog under threat of libel and slander and heaven-knows-whatever-else from the Paranoid Former Employer (PFE). It is a long and very boring story... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry. Dozed off for a minute there.


What I will do however is re-publish this post as even given the context under which it was written, it is still amusing.


Even if I say so myself.


Et voilá. Enjoy.


A step-by-step guide as to how to interpret corporate communications that (may) have a direct impact on your livelihood.

1. Warning of possible redundancy



- official meaning (and I quote here): "In light of the current corporate climate, and in accordance with standards of good corporate governance and the more general legal responsibilities to the shareholders, a management review of B'Stard Company's product performance, structure, size and employees has been ongoing. On the basis of this general review, excessive staff capacity has been discovered (discovered? what the f*ck were they doing? crossing the desert on camels and running out of water? Ed.) within certain departments of B'Stard Company and certain positions have been identified as redundant."
- true meaning: hey sucker, guess what? We had a poll and you drew the short straw, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha lol (cue lots of high fives and slapping on backs by powers that be)

2. What has led to this situation

- official meaning (again, quoted): "As there have been structural changes within Whoopee, part of B'Stard Company, there have been positions within The Dept of Fun identified as being eliminated. We, therefore, are writing to warn you that your position has been identified as at risk of redundancy."
- true meaning: we cannot find a real reason to get rid of you so we are making one up

3. Our commitment to you

- official meaning: B'Stard Company is committed to avoiding terminating your employment by reason of redundancy if it can do so. To this end, we invite you to a consultation meeting on such-and-such date at such-and-such time in such-and-such place with Smurf Witch Legal Counsel.

- true meaning: "if it can do so", yeah right, read between the lines, in other words (to quote my Irish girlfriend) "cannot be ar*ed"


4. The consultation period (following first meeting)


- official meaning: a period, typically 2 weeks, during which Senior Management assesses whether you are suitable for alternative (read: non-existent) position within the organisation, whilst you take paid time off work to seek out job opportunities elsewhere
- true meaning: time off during which you variously look for another job, spend money you do not have, go on holiday, get your hair cut/colour done/manicure/pedicure, sleep in, watch too much daytime TV, eat all the wrong things, read endless blogs, all of the above (can you see which way I am heading?), etc etc etc, oh yes, and swing wildly between elation, despair and anger on an hourly basis


5. Next steps


- official meaning: if B'Stard Company is unable to identify a suitable alternative position they may proceed to terminate your employment by reason of redundancy (identify? is this a discovery programme? Ed.)
- true meaning: so long baby, it's been a wild time and you've given us all a lot of laughs, but now, seriously, you really need to... go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore....





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Monday, 22 November 2010

What the eye sees - the cobbled together version

It's been a while, I admit.
But nonetheless - new job, different commute and mode of transport notwithstanding - I have still been at it.

Snapping photos. What did you think? Tsk.

So, here are some of the offerings for your delectation. They are all from recent outings (including today as I had a convenient meeting in the City, my old stomping ground) and will have to suffice until the next edition... which given up-and-coming events that include client visits, may be sooner than you think.

Here we go.

So, what have we here? A rock fan? Hmmm... interesting. Dig the jewels, man.


*faints*

Does Jon Bon Jovi know about this?

Now this next one was actually taken at the airport when I was recently collecting a very famous person.
Please note that there is actually only one individual who will find this photo hilarious (from the habit perspective), but I just wanted to point out the woman in the red coat giving me the look of death.


Actually I think it was because I was holding this sign up:

Self-explanatory

And whilst cavorting around with said famous person I came across this:

Yep. I would also put a sign on a bloke
in a poster whose t-shirt read "Big deek"
Then there was the opportunity to capture four shades of grey. So dazzling even the heavens shone through the window in ecclesiastical delight.

I am quite sure the middle woman was a living Spitting Image caricature

And this woman who was so taken with her suitcase, she got boots to match.

No expense spared dah-link in the name of coordinates

And finally, the woman who loved her cat so much, she decided to capture it for posterity. On her head.

Miaow. Get me outta here

Until next time.

Disclaimer: these posts are not meant to offend, they are totally tongue-in-cheek. If you have been captured on film, congratulations, you caught my attention. If this offends you I am truly sorry. A simple email with proof of identity will see you removed tout suite. Just like that.


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Friday, 19 November 2010

Vamos en Catalunya amigos!

Who would have thought it? Today I am guest posting over at that floozy's place, you know, the one who is regularly ranting and raving about ordering husbands on the internet, muttering about being an old git, and why she reckons she is a shit mum (she isn't, by any stretch of the imagination).

So com'on over and pay me a visit in España.

Hasta luego!

London? Where? You crazy or something?




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Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Kevin's comeuppance.

Another six weeks or so have passed since the last book club rendezvous. 
Kevin must have been feeling decidedly twitchy as we had one no-show, one late drop-out, and one "unable to make it due to family commitments".

What? We are family FFS! Tsk. Honestly, you just cannot get the staff these days.

No matter. We had a wonderful time, all four of us. 

Yes. Four. 

Cozied up in the kitchen whilst the extremely talented Botanical Artist cooked up some dinner, drinking more than was strictly necessary on a Monday night, discussing the pros and cons of the books we had read (and before you get cynical, I had managed one of them in full, and not the shorter of the two I might add, thus redeeming myself after the last performance) amidst other anecdotes about work, life, food and whatever else struck our fancy.

We were pretty tame, I thought. And very good conversationalists, of course.

And then this was slipped under the (closed) door. By the BA's six-year-old daughter.


Obviously our volume control, despite the reduced numbers, was not quite functioning properly.

Just as well I am hosting next time. We can piss off the neighbours as well while we're at it if everyone shows up.




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Sunday, 7 November 2010

Pondering the meaning of a working life. And rugby.

So. One week gone already. That was fast. And furious. And fulminatingly frenetic.

Did I just make that word up? Fulminatingly, not furious. I think it would be classified as an adverb, although I would have to look it up as I did not study such things at my (foreign) school and still get confused when asked to "preface the sentence with a noun/verb/adjective/adverb (delete as appropriate)". Wreaks havoc with the children's homework.
I usually go with common sense and leave it there, although this does make for some interesting interpretations. And comments from the teachers.
Note to self: consult dictionary.


I digress. For those of you who had the pleasure of laughing at my latest technology gaffe, let me regale you with a few other anecdotes. Some of these may be familiar to the working mums amongst us.

  1. Remembering your route to your new place of employment is a good idea. Brownie points if you get it right each time. Parking in the MD's spot though is not necessarily the best way to impress on your first day.
  2. If you drive to work in your 'casual' shoes, remember to take your heels with you. Business suit and scuffed trainers do not a good combo make.
  3. Taking a notebook with you to work so you always have something to write in is a good idea. Taking one that is replete with your daughter's drawings is not.
  4. Change the ring tone on your mobile phone. When you inadvertently leave it on your desk and the dulcet tones of the Hawaii 5-O theme tune start reverberating round the office, people might wonder how serious you really are.
  5. When descending stairs in full view of the company's open plan foyer, hold the bannister. It is there for a reason. 
  6. Fish pie with spinach is not the best thing to eat at your 'welcome lunch'. But if you insist, a) check your smile afterwards, and b) do this in the loo with a toothbrush to hand.
  7. Remember toothbrush.
  8. If you say your newly acquired car is a go-cart, your colleagues will take you at face value. If you say it was OH's idea to buy it, they will nod and vow silently never to accept a lift with you in the future.
  9. Taking photos on the tube is one thing. Taking photos from behind the wheel is a whole other ball game. One phrase: stationary traffic.
  10. The laundry fairy has not gone on holiday. She is just waiting to dump it all at your feet the moment you walk in the door.
Oh. And since I somehow found a little bit of spare time, I have decided to attend the 'Introduction to tag rubgy' course on Tuesday night at the boys' club. I have illusions of coaching and (heaven forbid) eventually refereeing rugby union matches. 

Personally I blame OH. He did it and says I should follow suit. 

I would much rather follow Gavin Henson. Or James Hook

Right, must concentrate now. Another week commencing tomorrow...


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Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Show me the funny but mind the CCTV

Week 33 of the Gallery. Already? Blimey that came round fast.

And so too did the latest get-together of the Vegemite Vixens, that very exclusive club.*

I think this photo (taken, I hasten to add, by Muddling Along and including our surprise guest Note from Lapland, along with Rachel, Vix and yours truly) speaks volumes of what happens when friends meet up and are let loose on the town Reading with no children in tow.

The topic for this week is: show me the funny. So if this photo does not make you laugh, then about time you went looking for your sense of humour. And that's from all of us.

A case of life imitating art?

p.s. no animals bloggers were harmed during the taking of this photo, promise.

* you can join, but bribery is compulsory and the going rate at present is our combined body weight in Oyster Bay Sauvignon Blanc


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