Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Rehashing the oldies but goodies

I was thinking - as you do - about past posts and how much has changed over the last year or so in my (working) life. 
In light of developments at the time, I had to remove some posts from the blog under threat of libel and slander and heaven-knows-whatever-else from the Paranoid Former Employer (PFE). It is a long and very boring story... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry. Dozed off for a minute there.

What I will do however is re-publish this post as even given the context under which it was written, it is still amusing.

Even if I say so myself.

Et voil√°. Enjoy.

A step-by-step guide as to how to interpret corporate communications that (may) have a direct impact on your livelihood.

1. Warning of possible redundancy

- official meaning (and I quote here): "In light of the current corporate climate, and in accordance with standards of good corporate governance and the more general legal responsibilities to the shareholders, a management review of B'Stard Company's product performance, structure, size and employees has been ongoing. On the basis of this general review, excessive staff capacity has been discovered (discovered? what the f*ck were they doing? crossing the desert on camels and running out of water? Ed.) within certain departments of B'Stard Company and certain positions have been identified as redundant."
- true meaning: hey sucker, guess what? We had a poll and you drew the short straw, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha lol (cue lots of high fives and slapping on backs by powers that be)

2. What has led to this situation

- official meaning (again, quoted): "As there have been structural changes within Whoopee, part of B'Stard Company, there have been positions within The Dept of Fun identified as being eliminated. We, therefore, are writing to warn you that your position has been identified as at risk of redundancy."
- true meaning: we cannot find a real reason to get rid of you so we are making one up

3. Our commitment to you

- official meaning: B'Stard Company is committed to avoiding terminating your employment by reason of redundancy if it can do so. To this end, we invite you to a consultation meeting on such-and-such date at such-and-such time in such-and-such place with Smurf Witch Legal Counsel.

- true meaning: "if it can do so", yeah right, read between the lines, in other words (to quote my Irish girlfriend) "cannot be ar*ed"

4. The consultation period (following first meeting)

- official meaning: a period, typically 2 weeks, during which Senior Management assesses whether you are suitable for alternative (read: non-existent) position within the organisation, whilst you take paid time off work to seek out job opportunities elsewhere
- true meaning: time off during which you variously look for another job, spend money you do not have, go on holiday, get your hair cut/colour done/manicure/pedicure, sleep in, watch too much daytime TV, eat all the wrong things, read endless blogs, all of the above (can you see which way I am heading?), etc etc etc, oh yes, and swing wildly between elation, despair and anger on an hourly basis

5. Next steps

- official meaning: if B'Stard Company is unable to identify a suitable alternative position they may proceed to terminate your employment by reason of redundancy (identify? is this a discovery programme? Ed.)
- true meaning: so long baby, it's been a wild time and you've given us all a lot of laughs, but now, seriously, you really need to... go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore....


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