Thursday, 2 September 2010

Tribal Wives - the holiday version

I love a challenge. Especially one that comes at just the right time and with the appropriate requirements.

Thank you Very Bored in Catalunya for thinking of me. And demanding photos. Of course, not having been on the usual commuter trail of late, but rather swanning around the Costa de la Luz in Southern Spain with the cherubs and OH, Lady P and her tribe (including her husband, the incredibly laid back- and sometimes non-communicative - MC), I had a plethora of - ahem - interesting subjects to photograph.

It would seem that there is also a running theme with this Tribal Wives' stuff, in what has now become a meme of sorts. Of course, it is always someone's fault, so the blame lies squarely with Notes in Lapland and Vegemitevix. Bad girls.

I have therefore transformed this meme further and not only added photos - as requested, don't ever say I don't listen to your demands, okay - but also morphed it into a 'Home and Away' version. Home for the Spanish, and away with the tourists, in more ways than one. Faux pas at every snap of my trusted mobile. Bwah ha ha ha ha.

Right. Ready for the show? Here we go.

Tribal Wife – holiday version 1: when plastic surgery is all just that, a burden on your plastic.

OMG - how much?

You know when you think "Oooh, I quite fancy that nip and tuck, having these wobbly bits sucked out, those wrinkles filled in, those frown lines banished, etc etc etc..." Well, think again. This is what it feels like when you get the bill. Honestly, migraine? You ain't felt nothing yet. And yes, I know it's a poster. Next!

Tribal Wife – holiday version 2: where more is not less, or anything else for that matter.

What do you mean did I eat the last chorizo sausage?

If size is not an issue, just ensure you holiday with an entourage of similar proportions so no-one can guess who ate all the pies. (Here's a clue, it was the bloke in the navy swimmers).
Worth adding here that in the four hours this lot were stationed by us the only ones who moved were the young girl and her brother who were swimming. And returning regularly for replenishment. Un-be-lieve-a-ble.
(p.s. and this photo has not been stretched, just in case you thought I was being unkind unfair biased anorexic)

Tribal Wife – holiday version 3: sun cream has a purpose. 

Toasted peaches

It helps to remember to apply sun protection to your *cough* more delicate parts. Oh, hang on, that was me.

Tribal Wife – holiday version 4: wear appropriate attire at all times. Please.

Word of caution: G-strings should only be worn by women with figures akin to perfection. Elle 'The Body' MacPherson being a good example, or gorgeous Brazilian beach babes. Under no other circumstances should they adorn (for want of a better word) the female bottom. But if you insist on wearing this garment to display you ample and dimpled derrière to all and sundry on the beach, then please please please refrain from bending over right in my line of vision. I was not the only person gagging. Even the blokes (read OH and MC) were put off their beer. And THAT speaks volumes.

Tan those buns in private

Tribal Wife – holiday version 5: ditto.

But it looked so good in Grazia

As per version 4 above, possibly easier on the eye, but even the gold lamé version does not quite justify the overtly displayed tanned buttocks – although I am glad to see she did not make the same fatal omission error as reported in version 3.
Am sure your man will still worship you wrapped in full Spanx, dah-ling.

Tribal Wife – holiday version 6: distract attention from your worst feature.

Don't worry, I have signed her up for speed dating

If you want to detract attention from your ugly sister, wear funky 'lace escapology sandal' footwear. Works every time. Especially if she insists on donning that bright pink vest she is so keen on lately.

Tribal Wife – holiday version 7: being a fashion victim does not always pay dividends.

New? No, just something I rustled up, you know

There's trendy and there's trendy. Wearing your auntie's 1970s curtains as an outfit is not one of them.

Tribal Wife – holiday version 8: are your mates having a laugh at your expense?

One question: what kind of friends let a girl walk down the street with her skirt tucked in to her knickers? 

Bit breezy this eveing?

Tribal Wife – holiday version 9: if you are going to clash, at least do it with panache.

Cannot agree on what to wear out? Have different views on colour coordination? I give you the 'do' and the 'don't' versions. Your choice which one fits what bill.

Tribal Wife – holiday version 10: if nipples and kneecaps are too close for comfort, admire the view.

Oh pur-lease. Not that!

This. Gorgeous.

And because I am such a generous person, I am going to pass this thing on to Emma, if for no other reason than she lives in Baltimore, Maryland and I am intrigued as to the ways of the Tribal Wives over yonder. 

(Actually I lie. I had to consult an atlas to find out where the bugger it is.)

Oi, Ms Kaufmann - catch!

Disclaimer: these posts are not meant to offend, they are totally tongue-in-cheek. If you have been captured on film, congratulations, you caught my attention. If this offends you I am truly sorry. A simple email with proof of identity will see you removed tout suite. Just like that.

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