Monday, 2 August 2010

What the (tourist) eye sees... the holiday version

As a break from the norm, I give you the first – and certainly not last – holiday version of people-watching.
This is the Rome special, a classic take on how not to dress when in one of the most beautiful cities of the world, regardless of how much heat, crowds, shopping expeditions, monument-gazing or gelato eating might be involved.

Can I also add that taking photos was much, much easier than during my usual tube travails as everyone was snapping away in all directions, so one more person pointing a camera made little or no difference? Ah, freedom! I have found my calling.

Here we go.
First up, I give you the archetypal 21st century socks-and-sandals offender par excellence. On the Spanish steps no less.

Zis vay I keep mein foots very varm, yes?

Next, the novelty male bra.

This 'lift and separate' is not really as liberating as the salesgirl said it would be

Then, the confused-in-fashion lady.

Oh, I will wear a dress, no, a pair of shorts, no, leggings, oh how about all three?
And a hat to add that extra 'non so che' (je ne sais quoi) 

Or this, the male version.

Yes I am very gay and my f*cking travel agent booked me a tour with all the septuagenarians.
I said I wanted to travel and see the ruins, not be with them

Of course it was not long before we spotted the inevitable Hawaiian shirt, right by the Trevi fountain.

Fountain, schmountain, we do 'em bigger in Texas

Or how about this beauty? Check out the wedgie shoes.

Whoops, sorry, that was a local.

I meant this.

Does this cap look good on me?
The grandkids assured me it was a terrific ensemble. They are such a laugh. 

Talking about caps, this one is also top notch. I like the matching glasses and t-shirt combination as well.

Don't mock, my flat cap is Armani darling

Of course, the Carabinieri do what they do best: hang around looking suave and elegant and chatting with their mates.

I tella you is no worri, everyone isa on holidai, capisc? 

And the businessmen and politicians also sit at the outdoor cafés and discuss the meaning of life. With one eye on their companion and one ear glued permanently to their mobile phone.

Berlusconi said what? He has a better tan than Obama? Ancora (again)?


Hello? CIA? Oh? You already know about Silvio's comments? Okay, is no problem. Ciao.

And then, just around the corner, there was this.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No...

It's a lady with black lip-liner. I thought this went out of fashion along with the 1980s metallica scene. Maybe the woman is a closet goth.

I'm telling you, this is so cool back home, you have no idea,
the Eye-talians are really behind the times honey

But the piece de résistance was this.

Heidi eat your heart out

That is, until I saw this.

My love is the mirror (hair) image of me

But all was redeemed by the very graceful (little old) Lady In Red, whom I shamelessly stalked for some three blocks.


I doubt she was a visitor to the Eternal City. Too self-assured and confident as she went about her business with her matching accessories and Louis Vuitton bag.
My mother clearly thinks I am bonkers - although she did actually join in and start pointing people out to me, so there must be something in the genes.

And I will not tell you what I was wearing except to say that I mingled well.

With the tourists, that is.

Disclaimer: these posts are not meant to offend, they are totally tongue-in-cheek. If you have been captured on film, congratulations, you caught my attention. If this offends you I am truly sorry. A simple email with proof of identity will see you removed tout suite. Just like that.

Yadda yadda yadda...