Dear Staff Members,
It has been brought to Head Office's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of thirteen new and innovative "try saying" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1. Try saying: "I think you could do with more training", instead of: "You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?"
2. Try saying: "She's an aggressive go-getter", instead of: "She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch."
3. Try saying: "Perhaps I can work late", instead of: "And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?"
4. Try saying: "I'm certain that isn't feasible", instead of: "F*** off you tw*t."
5. Try saying: "Really?", instead of: "Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole."
6. Try saying: "Perhaps you should check with...", instead of: "Tell someone who gives a sh*t."
7. Try saying: "I wasn't involved in the project", instead of: "Not my f***ing problem."
8. Try saying: "That's interesting", instead of: "What the f***?"
9. Try saying: "I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale", instead of: "No f***ing chance mate."
10. Try saying: "It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in", instead of: "Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?"
11. Try saying: "He's not familiar with the issues", instead of: "He's got his head up his f***ing a*se."
12. Try saying: "Excuse me, sir?", instead of: "Oi, d*ck head."
13. Try saying: "Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway", instead of: "Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway?"
Thank you for your understanding.
p.s. Blatant plagiarism for this post, and you may well have seen it before, but then again, maybe not. And before anyone claims to be 'offended', please note that a) no one made you read this bar yourself, and b) it was sent to me by my former HR director... so blame her.
p.p.s. Possibly also appropriate post given that the blog is now one year old and I needed to remind myself that I still work full-time for a living.