Saturday, 6 August 2016

Cack handed

In my time I have been known to take, edit and post a few pretty natty movie clips, if I say so myself.

Some have been impulsive filming sessions on holiday, some have been more structured in content.
Most have been downright silly and tongue-in-cheek.

However today I probably - inadvertently - outdid myself.

On a bike ride with my cycling club I managed to extract my phone from my rear pocket, turn it on, get the video working and shoot some footage... all with my left hand and without either falling off my bike or dropping the phone itself.

And before you tut-tut me, it was on a closed road in Windsor Great Park.

However, I appear to have failed categorically when it comes to pressing the 'stop' button.

The result? Quite comical.

Judge for yourself.

video



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Thursday, 21 July 2016

Kevinshen

There is absolutely nothing I can think of that will effortlessly lift one's spirits than the prospect of a rendezvous with Kevin.

Nothing.

Despite the absence of three members (Tough Mudda called to end-of-year school performance duties, La Diplomat dealing with visiting relatives, and the Wine Writer undertaking experiments involving chicken houses, children's feet and lack of running water - yes, we were confused too) we still managed to put the world to rights and host some serious conversations that did not necessarily involve either a) food, or b) books.

Incredible.

Although of course it did not take long for us to partake in the former and discuss the latter.
And the Pimms was delicious too, especially on a hot summer evening in the Doctor of Psychology's leafy garden.

However, the most important item on the agenda was the upcoming nuptials of one of the Kevinettes: yes, Belfast Blonde is getting married next month and hence the bookclub momentarily transformed itself into an impromptu hen party.

Cue gifts.

All food or book related. 
Funny that.

And balloons.
Helium (one) and LED versions (five, one of which then burst because, as the Lovely Radiographer scolded me, "You made it too big!" - first time for everything, I guess).

And a veil - complete with cutouts of wedding themed book title covers.
Absolutely priceless.

But the coup de grace was the pink sash. 

Our lovely hen donned it with pride. 
We all looked at it askance, tried to decipher the lettering, and then the Botanical Artist voiced what most of us were thinking.

"Who is Kevinshen?"

"Oh," replied the Lovely Radiographer, "They didn't do apostrophes!"

So there you go.

Kevinshen is getting married.

No apostrophes required because she is pure class and we love her.

Kevinshen - a bookclub first


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Sunday, 10 July 2016

How to make a mess in two short weeks - the speedy guide

Yes, it's still imploding.

And yes, it's going to get even worse.

We are but at at the peak of a very slippery slide-y slope into the depths of self-annihilation by proxy, aka 'how-to-push-the-destruct-button-without-assistance-because-it-seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time'.

I can only poke fun at a situation that is almost too comical to be real (but it is, real, I mean) and seek humour in what has become the death knell for my own business that I have spent three years building. I won't bore you with details, suffice to say that 'postponement' and 'procrastination' - by clients, not me - has morphed into total shutdown and cost-cutting with immediate effect and no sign of change for the foreseeable future.

Oh joy.

So we had this:

the 'real' reason DC had to resign

And this:

the truth behind the back-stabbing 'partnership'

And this:

I have no words
(well, I do, but not fit for publication)

Which has now morphed into this:

the man from Del Monte, he say he no go anywhere

Being challenged by this:

the Eagle has (almost) landed

AND THEY ARE NOT EVEN RUNNING THE BLOODY COUNTRY!

Oh no. 

That little ditty now comes down to these two:

twins separated at birth?

And guess what?

Rather than focus on the humongous f*ck up that has been left by the referendum (at every level), the press and the country are now having a right old ding-dong about whether being a mother or not is a qualifying feature to lead a bunch of feckwits party country as the nation faces the abyss.

Talk about missing the point.

But then again, I guess that is consistent with the whole issue, isn't it? 

Hooray for propaganda. At least the results will be unswerving in that regard.

*continues to shake head in disbelief*


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Sunday, 26 June 2016

It's okay, I get it

Just in case you had been living in a cave of late, there has been an historic event taking place here in Blighty. Let me enlighten you.

We have - sorry, had - a Prime Minister who won the last election with an outright majority. Unfortunately there was plenty of infighting and bickering amongst the ranks, so rather than act like the patriarchal figure he was elected to be, he appeased them with a sweetener.

"If we win, we shall hold a referendum about Britain being a member of the EU, okay?" he said, to much applause of those feeling aggrieved.

Now, had he been somewhat more aggressive like, I dunno, Maggie Thatcher, he might have actually said, "Sod off you lot, if you don't like the way I'm running the show, then the door's that way!" But he didn't. He let the toddlers have their tantrums and then rewarded them for chucking all their toys out of the pram.

Amazing. Even Adele has better crowd control. But then she can sing and engage with an audience, so I sort of rest my case.

Anyway. Cometh the man, cometh the hour.

Fast forward one year from the election and the referendum indeed takes place. Now this is where it gets confusing, so pay attention.

The PM is renown for constantly slagging off Europe. It is, apparently, the bane of his life and the reason for everything that is out of his control. Except tax havens. That's a whole other story. But he conveniently glosses over that.

However, as the factions line up on both sides of the 'leave' or 'remain' argument, the PM opts to prop up the latter. It turns out he does like Europe, after all! So do many others, from a variety of backgrounds - former arch enemies are suddenly best buddies, amazing!

The voting electorate is very confused.

Even more confusing is that the doomsayers heading up the campaign to 'get Britain back' consist of some of the most polarising individuals in current politics: a floppy haired former mayor of London, a prior Education Secretary who vilified virtually every educator in the country with his lofty agendas, and a self-confessed 'man of the people' who made his fortune as a commodities broker, headlined a racist propaganda campaign and failed not once, not twice, but seven times to be elected as an MP.

Quite a collection of misfits. Did I also mention that the first two were journalists-turned-politicians? No, thought not, but there you go.

So. Referendum day. The nation on tenterhooks. Twelve long weeks of ugly, nasty and thoroughly unpleasant campaigning over.

Guess what? Britain votes - albeit by a very small margin - to turn its back on the EU.

I won't go into the pros and cons and arguments, there has been plenty of writing about it and many, many incredibly eloquent pieces over the past forty-eight hours. Far more than I could ever piece together coherently in this blog post.

I will merely say two things to put matters into some perspective:

  1. the second most searched for question in the UK since the results were announced was, "What is the EU?", and;
  2. this is the only time in over twenty-five years of living in the UK (more than half my life, in other words) that I am seriously considering moving to Australia.
Time will tell.

In the meantime, much sadness, shock and quite a degree of anger.

(c) imgur.com

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Sunday, 5 June 2016

Once more unto the doctor

Hey ho, guess who's back? None other than the infamous Doctor LCM of the even more infamous BADASS* clinic.

After more than a year's sabbatical, the piles of pleading letters could no longer be ignored. It was time to deal with the clamouring requests and select a choice patient whose dilemma needed attention tout suite.

The lucky individual to benefit from the Doctor's words of wisdom in this edition is desperate. And when we say desperate, we mean just that, in every sense of the word.

So without further ado, let's get going.

"Dear Doctor LCM,

For many days weeks months now I have been trying to find meaning in my life. I get up, have breakfast, shower, dress, sit at my desk, look at my computer and... wait. 

That's it. 

No matter how hard I stare at the screen, or how many fingers I cross, or how many lucky omens I seek out, nothing is forthcoming. It would seem that the world turns and I am at a standstill.
All the 'How To' manuals, the TV programmes, the self-help courses and so forth have come to nothing. So many promises of what or where I should be at this point of my life have failed categorically to eventuate. 

Surely I am due a revelation of some sort to guide me on a path of enlightenment?

Please help. I am very disheartened and confused.

Fond regards,
Junior"

Doctor LCM replies:

"Junior,

Unless you have been living in a cave of late, there is a referendum in little over a couple of weeks' time which will determine whether the UK stays in Europe or not. As I see it, you have a few options to find, as you so aptly put it, 'meaning in your life':

  1. sign up to the 'Leave' campaign - that way you will find yourself in the esteemed company of Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin,  Rupert Murdoch et al which in itself should give you plenty to worry about (e.g. slight racism) other than your own persona;
  2. sign up to the 'Stay' campaign - that way you will find yourself in the esteemed company of David Cameron, George Osbourne and 'friends' (read: the entire political spectrum of the world on both sides regardless of past history or disagreements) and be able to focus on learning how to talk to the general public as if everyone were a moron given they did not attend Eton or the like;
  3. migrate

I also hear the clergy are recruiting as current numbers are low. Am sure they would welcome you with open arms. Possibly more given recent trends. Plenty of 'meaning' there, my dear fellow.

The choice, as they say, is yours.

You're welcome,

Dr LCM"


If you too have a pressing business or personal matter that you would like answered or on which to receive similar valuable advice, please submit to the Doctor and wait patiently in line.


*Business Advisory and Select Services


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Friday, 20 May 2016

Open letter

Dear all

Yes, I have been absent somewhat of late.
It's not you, it's me.

When I mentioned that my word for 2016 was 'focus', I wasn't half joking.
Finding work projects and a means of income generation is no mean feat, I hardly need to justify that.

Being told by (prospective) clients that they "absolutely want to work with you, can really see the value," but are not quite able to commit at present due to (in no particular order):
  1. Brexit
  2. low Q1 revenue
  3. business reorganisation
  4. going AWOL
  5. "needing to do some more work beforehand"
  6. total cluelessness in general
  7. incompetent corporate fuckwittery (my own term, it's copyrighted)
  8. fobbing off with ridiculous excuses
  9. all of the above
  10. none of the above, because they haven't got the common decency to even reply to an email let alone return a phone call
is down heartening at best, borderline suicidal at worst.

But, never mind.

Onwards! 

Something's gotta give eventually, even though it may be my own sanity (because the bank balance is already fucked so there's nothing more to lose in that regard).

Bear with me, I'll be back at some point.

LCM x





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Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Bitch-fest

An interesting read today.

Since I posted my own views on the subject of Ms Sandberg's 'Lean In' stance in working life (I shan't link, you can do your own search), I have heard from a wide spectrum of women - career or otherwise - who either loved it or were nonplussed.

The post I read today was interesting not so much because of its content (although I will admit I was delighted that finally someone else was bold enough to write that they thought the tome was a pile of cr@p), but because of the comments.

The author published the same post in two separate sites: on her personal blog and on LinkedIn.

Comments on the former were nearly all supportive of her article, from both men and women. I counted one (slightly) negative reply.

Comments on the latter were divided but broadly contentious about the mere fact that one wealthy and successful woman (Trunk) was querying the 'right' of another (Sandberg) to dictate how females should operate in the workforce - yes, that is a gross generalisation, give me some respite - and then seek forgiveness because, as a recent widow, she now states that she "will never experience and understand all of the challenges most single moms face, but [she understands] a lot more than [she] did a year ago."

So I have a question.

What if she were actually living on - or below - the breadline? What would the challenges look like then?

Because, in truth, that is what it really, really, really comes down to.

But when you have squillions to hand, and the ability to hire two nannies, and a housekeeper, and never have to worry about keeping on top of the damn laundry pile, well then...

THEN you actually have no feckin' clue of what the challenges are all about. Partner or no partner.

So my point is this: Ms Trunk might have a bee in her bonnet, much as I did when reading - and loathing - all that rubbish about needing to 'lean in'.

But what she states now - and this even more so because she too is a highly successful and wealthy self-made business woman who was a single mother for many years - resonates further.

Sandberg attempting to claim the moral high ground by saying she 'understands' now that her personal circumstances have changed (and I am truly sorry for her tragic loss) somehow just rings hollow.

Maybe if she gave away some of her vast fortune to those who need it I might change my tune.

Off the soapbox now. I need to find more work projects.

Does Sandberg need a strategic business development advisor, d'ya think?





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